Hold On

I don't know what is happening with this semester. Before it began I was excited about it. I was looking forward to my last four college classes, I was looking forward to graduating in May, and I was anticipating what God has for me as I looked towards life after college.

Christmas break seemed to end too quickly. I was unable to do a few things that would help me feel like I was starting anew for the spring semester and new year.

The third day of classes I came down with the flu. I missed a week of my classes. I felt like a wrench had been thrown into the workings of my semester.

When I finally returned to school I realized my classes weren't turning out to be as good as I had hoped. The English class (my last) was supposed to be full of inspiring literature and heart-felt discussions. Instead the reading assignments have taken over my study time (making me feel like I can't do any other studying), I've been reading essays by well-known authors who had a thought on every little minuscule thing and were gracious enough to write all those silly, and often selfish thoughts down so that I could sit spend a semester reading them.

Let's back up a minute, I became an English major because I love literature. I believe that you can learn something about yourself and the world around you when you read. Reading opens up other worlds to you, worlds not confined to this day and time. However, I've come to a point where I cannot find a balance between the things I believe as a child of God and the secular ideas I face everyday in my anthologies. Often the essays and stories I read are devoid of God. The essays I described above or wrought with selfish ideas about worldly pursuits. I've realized that there is often a small chance that I will read anything in my class that pushes me closer to the One who gave these author's the talent to write in the first place.

I've said all that to say this, I feel like I'm at a strange stage of my life and this stage comes with roller coaster-like emotions. Lately, what I know and how I feel are two different things entirely.

For instance, I know that God loves me and has a plan for me. I know that if I surrender my life to Him and follow His will He will direct my path. I know that He knows the desires of my heart and if I just wait upon Him He will fulfill those desires if they are in keeping with His will for my life.

Though I know all of these things, I feel anxious about the future. I feel unhappy with my circumstances. I feel ready to leave behind what I'm doing and go out and take my future into my own hands. I don't want to study, I don't want to serve, I don't feel like loving others. I don't want to wait anymore.

As you can tell, a war is raging within me. I can't win it on my own, I haven't a clue how. I can't win it with help from those around me, I don't even think I want their help. All I can do is hold on to what I know about the One who created me. All I can do is hold on to the promise that the One that is in me is greater than the one who is in the world. All I can do is take this life one day at a time, praying that God would answer this prayer:

"Turn my heart toward your statutes

and not towards selfish gain.

Turn my eyes away from worthless things;

preserve my life according to your word.

Fulfill your promise to your servant,

so that you may be feared."

Psalm 119:36-37

Jesus, please let what I know overpower

how I feel. I don't want to live by my

flimsy, fleeting, roller coaster emotions.

 I want to live by the promises you have given me.