Monday, November 25, 2013

The musings of a girl on the eve of her 25th birthday…

This post is pretty vulnerable, but I wanted to share my heart hoping that you too will put your life into the hands of the One who created it.

Tomorrow I am turning 25.
I am not sure how I feel about that.

On past birthdays I could not wait to take on the new number that marked not only the growth in age, but in height and intelligence and hopefully beauty. I was so impatient some years that I would adopt the ½ year method to tack onto my age. I wasn't just 9, I was 9 and 1/2. Something about that ½ made me feel taller like all the things I wanted to be were so close, almost close enough to reach.

This year the feeling I am experiencing, about turning a year older, is foreign to me.

I always secretly mocked the women who dreaded their next birthday. As if a number represented their impending demise.
Now I am scared that I am turning into one of those women.

What is it about the number 25 that makes me feel heavy almost sad?

It may have something to do with the fact that my mother gave birth to me when she was 25, but I think it is much bigger than that.

I think it has something to do with the vision I had about the number 25 when I was younger.

I thought the number 25 was a ticket to a happy life or something crazy like that.

I guess I envisioned that by 25 I would be married. If not that, I would at least be in the best shape of my life with amazing long flowing hair (not sure why this is important). I would be keeping my own house and planning for a family and I never really figured in a career…it didn't seem to matter.

Seems pretty absurd, I know, but ironically these wishes haven’t really gone away.

Here I am sitting in my parent’s home, my bed is one foot away from my sister’s and my hair is taking FOREVER to grow out. I have a career, but no guy is in sight.

Life is not what I imagined. Any other day I love the fact that I live with my parents. I enjoy sharing a room with my sister and I enjoy teaching! So why do I feel dissatisfied now?

I am trying to see it as a reminder that God has the plan, not me, and His plan is ultimately better than I could ever imagine.

So once again, as I always do when I find myself low and dissatisfied, I look to the heavens and lift my life to the sky. It is heavy and I struggle under its weight.
I hold my breath as He takes my offering and cradles it in the palm of His hand. I think I see Him smile or at least I hope I do.
Before He pulls His hand away I realize I am still holding my breath and everything in me screams “No, take it back! He might drop it!” But I stand still, mesmerized as He closes His fingers around this, my greatest gift.
Now I must wait. I let out a small sigh at the thought of that word. Wait. The word seems to float on the breeze. How many times must I hear it? Wait.
“But waiting is so hard,” I whisper, looking at the cold ground.
I feel the rays of the sun warm my shoulders in what feels like an embrace. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done. Autumn leaves swirl around me, carried by the cool breeze. Be still and know that I am God. The wind picks up swirling around me, whispering in my ear.
“I wait for you, Father,” I say to the skies. “I know you will answer me.”
The wind whips around my legs, my shirt, my hair. I lift my arms to let it surround me.
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. These words seem to be spoken directly into my very soul.
I smile and let the sun’s rays warm my face. I breathe deeply of God’s presence and rest in the knowledge that what He has for me is good and greater than I could ever plan out myself.

“Thank you.” I whisper as I walk through the crackling leaves. In awe of God’s love and filled with hope for tomorrow.

Ps: It is amazing how writing out a face to face scenario with my Heavenly Father brought me such amazing peace. You should try it sometime. ;)

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